4. Preventive education and the adequate handling of interpersonal conflicts

 

The early childhood center, building space to live together

To learn to coexist in solidarity and in a cooperative way should be one of the main educational objectives of the Early Childhood Education Center . It is not an easy task as we are working with human beings in a stage of their life of extraordinary complexity, as we have already remarked. In this task, the school is committed as an institution in charge of designing an educational proposal that goes beyond words, that generates an atmosphere of complicity and collective enthusiasm to assume among all, in a cooperative way, one of the greatest challenges: to educate to build good people.

The example of pleasant teamwork within the school constitutes one of the most powerful methods to transmit the importance of cooperation, the team work and solidarity. The human environment in which children live their experiences within the school must constitute a live example of the behaviors that adults want to stimulate. The way in which adults (not only educators, but all the members of the school community) interrelate, share, dissent, cooperate and resolve their differences, is perceived by the children in a direct way, perhaps much more than what we usually realize and with an impact that fully surpasses the force of words. From these behaviors the child learns values, attitudes, and general guidelines that he incorporates as models to imitate, as the creation of his identity is based in the incorporation of characteristics and conducts that he observes in others, especially in the more significant ones from the emotional point of view. This model constitutes the base of his social experience.

Really, the school as an institution has a clear responsibility in the achievement of the purposes linked to education for coexistence: the demand to reflect responsibly on the attitudes assumed by the adults, among them the way to solve their difficulties and to work in common, with the purpose to create a human environment that offers the children an atmosphere of security and stability. To be aware of the way they operate as a team constitutes the most effective method, because the guidelines of socialization of the children depend largely on the socialized work of the adults.

Emotional education

"If in an early childhood education center we could accompany the children in the beginning of the process of knowing themselves and the others, in recognizing, caring and respecting the differences, other ways of being, ways of life, of understanding the world we would already have done enough. But we must be aware that things take their time and that in these early stages everything is simply a "beginning", as for the young child reality only takes place by being in his own center. Also he bypassed that fundamental place that it is not other that his own identity, there would be no place later on to consider hardly anything as good, not even values as important as freedom, equality, happiness, justice, respect or knowledge "

With these words begins Carmen Navarrese Diez to talk about the sense of the education in her book "The floor below" and I wanted to quote her here because she expresses with simplicity and clarity the importance of the affective education in these ages and the role that pedagogy must assume in the training of the minds and hearts of the children so they can become good men and women in the future.

I have often heard teachers of Infantile Education say that when they stop to reflect on what they demand from children in terms of emotional and cognitive maturity they notice that it is too much for what the children are able to give of themselves. Sometimes, although we clearly know their limitations we insist on achieving in a short time the fulfillment of norms, rules of social behavior, habits of cooperation, and solidarity, autonomous and tolerant behaviors. This happens, in part, because of the anxiety of the adults that prevents us from respecting their rate of development, and for the fear of not being able to fulfill the demands imposed on us by the curriculum and program. Perhaps a change of point of view would make us analyze the problem from another perspective. Instead of trying to teach civic values through very well reasoned artificial and moral lessons to the children, we could go along with them in their process of learning everything they need to know to relate to themselves and to others. To learn to see oneself as an "other" with his own identity, to control his aggressive impulses, to feel and to be able to know what one feels, to understand what others feel, to have confidence in himself and in others, to express his emotions, to accept frustrations, to control the anxiety that the unknown creates on him, to accept mistakes, to defend himself, to bear separations and to undertake new searches, to mend the losses, to make a positive assessment of oneself, in short, for all that Francoise Dolto calls "the difficulty of living" in his book by the same name.

As we said at the beginning, conflicts are inherent to the development of the human being, and they never end throughout all the life cycle. However, in the early childhood stage we find condensed in a few years the full registry of feelings and emotions that are going to be with us during all our life and that originate subjective and interpersonal conflicts that we should learn to manage to achieve a good quality of life.

Helping to approach conflicts from a positive perspective is, indeed, the essence of our work as educators. For this, it is necessary to be ready to accompany children in their daily life in school, to observe their expressions and to develop the necessary capacity to intervene correctly and appropriately, as there are no infallible formulas nor methods, as there are not in general for education and learning. The only reliable thing is to maintain an attitude of constant exploration and availability to accompany the child in his long road, offering him opportunities to express himself freely in an atmosphere of security and confidence. A time and space where he feels listened to respected and understood, although we can not always discover the invisible causes that generate his tensions and anguishes.

The school environment, the activity of constant interrelation constitute a great part of the child's social universe where his difficulties are evident. And it is in this relational world where the educator finds his field of work, the opportunity to educate in the amplest sense of the term, taking into account the emotional tones implicit in each act of the child.

When one works based on an educational project that promotes the involvement of the children in the decisions about the subjects that are going to be dealt with and the children are orientated in the process of looking for information and they are provided with all the necessary materials to manipulate, see, smell, touch, to experiment and to be mistaken, in an atmosphere of affection and security, of interest and desire to learn, without the hindrances of a rigid program, with flexibility and in a clear and stable normative frame. The degree of interaction between the children and with the educator provides the necessary conditions to carry out an interesting work. In the spontaneity of the gesture, movement, annoyance, fights, love, the struggle to reaffirm oneself, to know and to have, there must be a look from the teacher must be, his understanding and intuition to find the way to act and to turn each experience, each difficulty, in an opportunity to make the child advance towards behaviors that adapt more and more to the demands imposed by life in relation.

An example of emotional education 

Carmen Navarrese Diez, tells in the previously mentioned book an anecdote that we wanted to share with you.

In a classroom of 5 year old children the parents of a girl told the teacher that another girl had told their daughter that she was ugly because she had a beauty spot on the forehead. On the following day the teacher commented the fact in class saying that it must be a mistake as in that school there were no ugly people, nor foolish or bad... that beauty spots are not ugly and that all the people had them in some part of the body. After some comments from the children trying to excuse the schoolmate who had already been identified by the affected girl, the teacher proposed that they should look among themselves for the beauty spots they had and that they should do the same with their relatives when they went home. A note was sent to the parents that said literally:

“ 1 Today in class we have been talking about beauty spots, some children have showed theirs, others told us where they had them, others did not know...

2 The idea is "to vindicate beauty spots in the body” to verify that they have a round form (like a Full Moon) and anyway, "to wear them with pleasure” and without devaluations.

3 For it, I request from you that tonight you do a bit of homework with your children:

To look for a beauty spot in the father, the mother, in them, the dog...

Tell them what they serve for, briefly

To make a drawing of the beauty spot that they liked most and have the children bring it to class tomorrow.

Thank you very much”.

On the following day, the drawings made by the children were shown and different activities were done, from looking in the dictionary for the difference between freckle and spot, to singing the song of "Cielito Lindo" (that talks about a lady with a beauty spot near her mouth). Soon they shared all the observations that had come out on the subject:

•  They help us to be handsome.

•  They help to differentiate people, because nobody has them in the same place.

•  They are as finger prints, as it said in my book!

•  Sure, because we are not the same, even twins, as it said in Paco´s book

•  My grandmother says that when I will find out what beauty spots are for, I must tell her because she does not know.

•  And if someone is dead and all “torn up” because he had "crash” car, he can be recognized by a beauty spot.

•  My father says that they do not serve any purpose

•  My "grandma" says the same thing.

•  My mother says that Moorish women paint them on to see themselves pretty.

•  Freckles are lighter than spots, my mother has them.

•  I have a spot that is the same as my mother's.

•  I was born with a beauty spot on the finger and my brother also, as we are twins.

•  I have a constellation of beauty spots on the arm that look like a constellation of stars.

•  My father tells me that this beauty spot is for him to kiss me

•  Are there red spots? It is because my daddy has many.

•  Red and colored ones will be party beauty spots! exclaims Mar cheerfully.

 The educator and the children: a singular relation 

As educators, we know that the task of educating in all the school levels constitutes one of the most difficult tasks. Contrary to what it is usually considered, the work of the early childhood educator has specificity and a determining importance in the development of the human being, given the vital circumstances in of the children of that age group. As we have been mentioning in this stage the child is going to have to solve a series of subjective and interpersonal conflicts that will allow him to successfully build a mature personality, on the base of satisfactory emotional and social relations.

We have just finished looking at the role of the institution as a group in the teaching of adequate guidelines for learning the rules of social coexistence. But, as we all know, many times this situation is not given as planned and educators must assume the responsibility, compensating with their work the lacks and difficulties derived from that lack of commitment.

When the baby or the child leaves the home to join a larger setting, such as the early childhood center, he feels the separation from his mother and his physical universe as he knows it, to face an unknown reality that disconcerts him and provokes his insecurity. The educator becomes then the representative of this primary link and the child is going to ask for support and help in the difficult process of deciphering and learning about the unknown. From that moment on, begins the construction of a link between the baby or the child and the educator, highly significant for his development. A relation that is established within a dynamics of interaction, reciprocal influence and communication.

The interaction is developed on two different planes: between the baby or child and the teacher and among the children. In both cases, the educator acts as a mediator. In the first case, the adult must build a bridge between the internal universe of the child and the outside world. In the second case, he acts as a moderating element of the behaviors between the children. When we mentioned before the communication process, we pointed at the importance of being aware of the non explicit aspects of the messages sent because there are always present even if they remain unseen, unconscious contents that have to do with what is said or done. In the case of the child, these elements are elaborated through fantasy, either verbal, in symbolic play or within the relations with the adult or his peers, by means of specific behaviors. This consideration is very important because it is telling us of a reality in which we will have to intervene, using our capacity for exploration and observation beyond what is evident. In this sense, the educator has to make use of his training regarding the nature of child development to find guidance on the possible causes of the behavior of the child and to his intuition that many times can help him find the right approach for each situation.

Another aspect that is always present in the interactive relation is the reciprocal affective implication of both elements of the process. We often assume that the effects of the intervention of the teacher in an act of communication are one way only: from the educator to the child, not knowing that the effects are reciprocal. This fact is based on an idea deeply rooted in the adult world that considers childhood as a stage closed in itself, with its own characteristics without continuity in the later years. We talk about “childhood” or “the children” as if the adult did not com from there, when in reality, we know that we are all inheritors of our own childhood and our adult personality keeps the same basic features that shaped our development, with the only difference that during our childhood they had a special intensity and influence in the shaping of our personality.

In the educational setting, we can usually establish role relations, as teacher and student and not as persons. The teacher is invested with the features of his role as adult: knowledge, authority and power. The student has his own features: his ignorance on many things and his dependence and submission to the wishes of the adult. The relation, set in these terms, becomes denaturalized, depersonalized and generates an interference in the communication that usually goes unnoticed. The person of the teacher and the child are left out of the relation, that is, out of the subjective universe of both parties, masked by the image represented by the roles.

This sets a symbolic distance that determines beforehand the place of each party and, therefore, the style of communication between them. If we assume communication as a process of interrelation not from the established roles, but from a human, personal dimension, the implication of the teacher has different characteristics.

As when we pointed out the non explicit elements of the messages of the children, the same applies to the teacher. The interpretation of messages is done through an individual field of meanings (ideas, concepts, knowledge) that becomes the prism through which we make sense of what one or the other says or does. Therefore, what the teacher understands of what the child is saying is filtered by his own particular way of thinking and feeling, what we could call his subjectivity. To be aware of this places us at the act of communication with a more genuine perspective because it allows us to also direct the questions towards ourselves, not only towards the situation of the child. The effect of the relation exchange becomes reciprocal and has affective echoes in both parties of the communication. We live this in our personal experience with our students but we don't always give it its due importance at the time of deciding what type of communication we want to establish with the group as a whole and with each individual child. And it is precisely this side of the problem that we want to highlight.

The interactive relation that generates development needs certain conditions to insure for the child a psychological atmosphere of trust, respect, love and security. The educator has to build these conditions because, unlike the relations between the adults, its the educators who set the guidelines that determine the quality of the link. The child is subject to our way of thinking, feeling and acting because he does not yet have the capacity to oppose the influence and will of the teacher, at least consciously, especially if we consider the deep significance that we have for the child as representatives of the parental link. Therefore, the first thing we have to take into account is the determining condition in the interactive process, that gives us a very significant responsibility.

We can not conceive the life of a child except within a relationship from the moment he is born and even before that, because the mother establishes a relationship with the future baby through her own wishes, aspirations and idealizations that are going to give him meaning as a person. In our case, as educators, we also have our own representation of the type of children that we would like to have in our class and the educational guidelines that we would like to apply to fulfill those aspirations. On top of this we develop our task of forming and teaching, within the framework of constant interactions.

Taking into account all of the above, we will deal with some aspects that intervene in the dynamics of communication, considering the needs of the child and what he expects to receive from the educator.

The educator: model of communication

The child, especially at this age, learns more from what he observes in the behavior of the others than from the speeches we deliver when we try to teach behavioral patterns or correct his inappropriate habits. The way of communicating that we establish with the children fulfills a very powerful pedagogical function not only because it is a model but because at the same time it determines the type of communication that the children are going to establish with the others. If we ask ourselves what does the child fundamentally needs to develop in this stage of his life, we would have to go from the knowledge of his basic needs, not only physical and biological but, especially, emotional. The life of the child is marked by a series of conflicts and he needs the adult to give him security, trust and much love to help him deal with reality, anxiety, fear, anguish, ambivalent feelings, guilt, tensions and disconcertment. He needs to let go off the hand that protects him to be able to grow in his own right but he also needs to be able to go back when reality overwhelms to find the adult's hand.

If we had to define in one word which is the most important quality that educators should have to satisfy the demands of the child we would undoubtedly say that it is respect. A respectful attitude is the foundation to build a relation that allows for the development of the child and at the same time for our professional and personal growth. To respect the child implies, first, to communicate with him person to person, which requires from us a special disposition to connect from reason, sensibility and emotion. This attitude is what allows us to observe and understand the thoughts, feelings and fantasies that accompany the experiences of the children.

Education for the prevention of conflicts in early childhood education is based on a work geared towards the emotional development of the child and for this we need to help him deal with the subjective conflicts derived from his own existence. We need to have solid theoretical training to be able to detect the problem periods and situations along with a capacity to observe, listen and explore the individual and social behaviors of the children.

Careful and systematic observation is a valuable tool to obtain the information from the subjective universe of the child, his habits, preferences, capacity to represent things, his fantasies expressed in his play, his mode of verbal and non verbal communication, his difficulties in facing the demands imposed upon him by life in society, the indications that he is making a transition towards new behaviors, etc. It allows us to learn and interpret the signals when a child is ready to give up on something, or is about to cry because someone is bothering him or he wants to do something but does not know how or when he is feeling proud with something he has managed to do and wants to share it. Observation must be accompanied by committed and attentive listening. As we know, it is not the same to hear than to listen although in many cases pressed by the excessive demands placed on educators, we barely hear what the children are saying and respond to them with formulas that do not meet their needs. When the child is about to tell something to his teacher he has the need to be received by him, not only in his mind but also in his heart. Active listening implies an intellectual and affective commitment transmitted beyond words.

The child has an extraordinary capacity to feel and receive what the other is feeling, even if he does not show it, he knows how to differentiate between formal listening and what is not so. He knows how to assess the external signs that express sincere willingness to be with them: they perceive if we are capable of giving up what we are doing when they need us, if we try to explain that we can not be with them at that time, if we see them in the eye, if we touch or caress them. Therefore, the first thing we need to try is to develop our capacity to be with the child in such a way that we can make him feel trusted, recognized and appreciated as a person.

When we talked about listening we not only referred to the reception of the oral expression of the child that is especially scarce in his first years of life but also to his body expressions, what he says with the way he looks, his gestures, his movements, his posture and tone. The early childhood educator must know how to start a dialogue with his students in this dimension of communication. Body language is, at times, far more effective than verbal language, even in distance; it is possible to make the child feel our love, recognition, acceptance, security and trust through a smile or a gesture because the child is looking for the face of the educator when he is doing something new that causes anxiety or satisfaction in him. This type of situations are frequently found in the psycho motor development class when the children are testing their motor skills, disguise themselves or hide to later reappear and find the eyes of the teacher.

The educator is the most significant emotional reference that a child has in the school, this why it is very important to work on affective education through the relation established with the group and with each individual child. The key to establish a positive emotional communication is the capacity and disposition to adjust to the expression and affective condition of the child, in psycho motor terms, to be attuned to him, following his initiatives, and confirming his activities, either with sounds, winks, gestures, movements or words. This is not always easy to achieve, because not all the children arise in the educator the same feelings of love and acceptance. In a classroom there are as many personalities as there are children and each one has his own way of being. There are children that have natural charm and befriend the teacher with their shows of affection and there are others who are very restless of very quiet, those who do their tasks with ease and those who need a lot of help, one who wears the teacher out with this constant and intense physical activity or one whose presence is not even felt. Of course, the teacher has a different influence on each child but we can not forget that each one of them wants to be treated especially.

A child who lives the experience of being listened to and tended in his demands for affection feels that he is important and loved and will develop trust in his capacity to generate positive responses from the others. When he verifies that his actions do not modify the behavior of the others he will lose his trust in his capacity to change things which will also change his way of acting, either by isolating himself or by showing aggressive or disruptive behaviors to call for attention. Young children, and not only them, put into play unconscious mechanisms to respond to the lack of understanding from the adults to show their discontent.

Once, in an early childhood center, a three year old child was punished by separating him from his group during recess and making him do the task that the teacher had presented before to the class. He was taken to the teachers' room because instead of coloring the worksheet, he scribbled on it. The child was seating at one end of the table dutifully coloring the new worksheet and the teacher at the other end, watching over him. After a few minutes, the teacher exclaimed to the other colleagues in the room: “It is useless to punish a child like this because in the end, he manages to get what he wants, to be paid attention!”

This real example shows what happens when we lose sight of the sense of our work. The perception of the teacher regarding the causes of the behavior of the child did not lead her to think that it was a perfectly valid demand and that, perhaps, he was trying to tell her, in his own way, that he needed more attention from her. On the contrary, she took his disobedience as a challenge to her authority and activated her own mechanisms establishing a relation of force to solve the conflict.

As we have already said, the child learns from what he sees and what he lives in his relations with the adults. If he does not feel respected or tended in his demands, it will not help him to hear the teacher explaining the importance of listening and respecting others and being considerate and kind in his dealings with his peers.

The teacher as conflict mediator 

The classroom is a space of coexistence and therefore, a place where there are frequent interpersonal conflicts caused by multiple reasons derived from the features of the stage of development of the children. They have to deal with the anxiety and tensions of their inner worlds and with the demands of socialization with the rest of their peers. In both instances, the teacher has to act as a mediator that facilitates the handling of the subjective conflicts of the child and the difficulties that he finds in his interpersonal relations. The attitude taken by the educator is the key to turn those difficulties into situations of change and new learning: this is the sense of the mediation of the educator. To achieve these purposes, we must take into account the following criteria:

•  To offer the child the opportunity to decide freely on the way to solve the conflict, giving him options to choose from and decide how to behave. For example, if during the assembly, the child is constantly interrupting his peers or the teacher, instead of telling him to be quiet, it is best to making him realize that his behavior does not let the activity go on and offer him the choice between staying in the room and participate adequately or leave the class. This way we are giving him the opportunity to decide on his own and assume the responsibility over the consequences of his behavior.

•  Give the child the opportunity to modify his behavior, instead of immediately repressing the children in conflict. For example, if two children are fighting over the use of some material, we can offer other materials or suggest them the possibility of alternating their use of it.

•  To foster the autonomy of the child by giving his the possibility of participating in the solution of his conflicts. For example, if two children are verbally or physically fighting, avoid giving orders to stop the problem. The educator should try to calm them down to talk with them when they are more tranquil. When the children are fighting they are expressing their anger and it is not convenient to talk with them at that time. It is more important for them to feel the teacher's acknowledgement of their feeling without feeling judged. Expressions such as “I understand how you feel”, “I know that you are angry now”, “you got very angry”, put their feelings into words and express them in a non violent way at the same time that the children feel understood and accepted. This is the first step for an adequate intervention in a relation conflict to later handle it in a joint manner. It is convenient to have an area in the classroom that can be called the “corner of words” where we can try to reach agreement and reconciliation. Another option is to hold the meetings in the library because it is a space where everyone goes to learn and where we all have to follow the same rules. The setting of the mediation is very important because it is part of the emotional climate of the process. It is not the same to meet in a quiet and welcoming place, seated at a round table than to talk in the classroom in front of the other students. The physical space, the disposition of the furniture, the position of each part in the space has a special symbolism that affects the dynamics of the process.

In the intervention we must take into account the stages of the process to get the children to understand the causes, reflect over the consequences and get to learn something new from the conflict. Mediation is a procedure that facilitates the agreement between the children to help them arrive at a result that is beneficial for all. In the first place, it reestablishes communication and facilitates the discussion to identify the elements that are operating in the controversy, the possible means of agreement and stimulates the cooperation to reach a solution. The teacher must be prepared to guide a process in which the children will go from aggression to a peaceful solution of their conflicts, managing to establish a good degree of communication and agreement. The attitude of the teacher must be genuine and sincere. By this we mean that this activity has a lot of importance from a pedagogical perspective. It is not about solving the conflict as an end in itself but to assume it as an opportunity to stimulate changes and new learning. If the children perceive the interest of the teacher in dealing with these topics, they will become aware of the importance of relations in their lives.

We also want to insist on the statement that we made regarding the type of contact the teacher must establish with the children. The adult has the experience and pedagogical intention as differentiating elements from the children but both, adults and children have the same dignity as persons and deserve to be listened to and treated with the same respect and consideration. The teacher must be capable of giving up the protection given to him by his role to connect with the children as a human being with another human being. Only this way will the relation become meaningful. To talk to the children from a position of power, distant from their feelings, reasons, points of view and situations will not give anything new to their lives and will be just another lecture, of which the child gets many in his own family. Our objective should not be to teach then how to feel or act but to show them the facts and stimulate their participation in the calm solution of the problem.

The objective to be achieved by mediation requires the following from the educator:

•  To enable the dialogue among children to make them aware of the causes of the conflict.

•  To observe and explore the body language of each child during the meeting: his tone, gestures, tensions, the moment when they feel relieved, etc.

•  To establish a dialogue of gestures with each other through our looks, smiles, gestures of approval or disapproval, etc.

•  To jointly analyze the solutions and become aware of the need to find fair solutions. To stimulate the creation of collective norms and make everyone aware of the advantages of following them.

Important moments in the mediating process

We can not insist enough on the importance of this fundamental premise: we are working with children that need and expect to be treated as persons, this implies making contact with them with respect and understanding of their emotional condition and their life situations.

When we bring together children to work jointly on the solution of a conflict, the first step is to thank them for their presence as a sign of collaboration in the solution of the conflict. The children are not used to being asked for forgiveness or being thanked. When we do this for the first time we can see in their eyes surprise at first and then some satisfaction. Thus, from the first moment we are establishing an appropriate affective climate for collaboration. After we have explained the reason for the meeting, we follow the same steps we would use to mediate in conflicts with older children or with adults. Conflict is always present and it follows the same phases (Sastre-Marimon, 2004).

•  The time when the conflict becomes evident and we can identify it as a problem of relationships.

•  The previous phase that explains the conflict that we have to reconstruct in order to understand it.

•  The moment of proposing solutions.

•  The final situation, when the initial situation is transformed by a change in attitude and the acquisition of a new learning.

The solution of the conflict must respond to the causes that originated it so that we can say that the final agreement really has a solid base. Sastre and Marimon remind us that it is not an easy task to achieve this and that it requires some previous steps:

•  “To differentiate the three phases of the conflict – the causes, the manifestation and the solutions.

•  To reconstruct the history of the problem to find the causes to explain it.

•  To imagine non sexist, non violent, non racist, fair and autonomous solutions to solve the problems of relation.

•  To find different solutions for the same conflict so that if one of them is deemed inadequate, we can apply a second or a third choice.

•  To link the solutions we have imagined with the causes and decide which of all the solutions we have found are the more adequate in terms of their capacity of eliminating or lessening the causes”.

As we can see, it is not an easy task and it no less complex because we are dealing with young children, quite the contrary. We should not forget that the mind of the children of these ages does not allow them to take into account other points of view, different from their own and that they have their own moral criteria. If to this we add the state of tension and anxiety that they feel in their inner world, produced by their inner conflicts, it is not difficult to see that the task requires a great effort from them.

The first point serves as a reference that the teacher should keep in mind to intervene and not allow the meeting to get lost as a consequence of the emotions that come into play. He must work with what the children express but he must guide the exchange to obtain the discussion of the conflict and reach an agreement that benefits everyone by helping them learn something new.

We must always follow the same rules for the meeting to run in the best possible way. We can design them with the assistance of the children and then remind them of the rules when we need them again. Once we have accepted the commitment of doing what we have agreed to do, the teacher should stimulate the children to give their version of the facts. This is an important moment because this way they see that their words have some value. They represent them and what they think and feel. On the other hand, they can realize that there are different ways of seeing the same fact with which we are fostering a process of intellectual and affective decentralization. It is advisable that the teacher intervenes quoting what each child has said, stating the facts and leaving out any emotion. This is to mirror the language of the child by an organized and unaffected statement. This way, he can hear and see himself as an “other” and objectively perceive his words.

Another important aspect is the summary of the sequence of the facts since that information will allow him to determine the objective causes of the conflict. The educator can deduct the subjective motivations from knowing the personal history of each of his students and he can deduct what were the conscious or unconscious reasons that led a child to act in a given way and another to respond the way he did. The teacher can echo the motivations, feelings and emotions felt by the children before and during the conflict and tell them. That is, put into words what has remained unsaid, unrevealed.

In this stage of the intervention there are no prescribed protocols of action and it is the teacher's intuition what must be put into action. What really matters is that the children feel that the teacher is an interpreter of their perceptions, motivations and affections and that they have the opportunity to express the emotional aspect that is always present in their relations and in each act of their lives. Questions such as “what did you feel when...?”, “What do you think he felt?” “What you felt was pretty or ugly?”, can teach the child to put his emotions into words. We should not forget that the more we know how to say what we feel, the more chances we will have to change.

We will have to respect the verbal expressions of the children without trying to complete their statements before they have managed to organize their ideas to express them in their own ways. If the child perceives that we are interested in what he is saying he will learn to trust the others and feel pleased with his social interactions and feel self confident. What can help the child is not the interruptions or clarifications while he is talking but our attitude of respect for his attempts of expression. When the child has finished saying what he wanted to communicate, it is the time for the teacher to address the child and confirm that he has understood his words, for example: “What you thought/felt/did was......” This not only confirms to the child that we have been paying attention it also gives him the opportunity of representing and listening to himself from another place.

It is important to follow this practice after everyone has spoken as a synthesis of the verbal expositions, and evidencing that what happened has a history and some causes and that they are all linked. This way the child begins to learn, little by little, to reason about the problems that come about in interpersonal relations and to take into consideration his emotions linked to those problems, learning that thoughts and emotions are not disassociated.

Once this has been done, we can propose to the children that they all give ideas to solve the problem so that it is not repeated again. this is a highly useful moment from the pedagogical point of view because it allows for the use of creativity by the children and for the reaffirmation of the rules on the common wellbeing: the solutions should not divide but unite, they must benefit the two parties in conflict because they were generated through communication between the parties without resorting to confrontation. They have the possibility of reflecting as a team, analyzing options and taking decisions in an autonomous manner. When the child becomes aware that the agreements have been made according to the joint deliberations and the individual and group decisions have been made by themselves, they will not feel that the fulfillment of the obligations is an outside imposition but, rather, a personal exercise of freedom and autonomy.

Children must have the opportunity to learn that the adults also have conflicts and difficulties to solve the problems of our daily lives. We are not invulnerable just because we are adults and we have to make efforts to adequately handle conflict situations. Generally speaking, it is hard for us to show our human side to the children either because we think that it would make them feel insecure or because we think they would not be able to understand us or because we relate to them from our role as teachers which inhibits us from showing our more human side. This last is the most frequent case. We think that our role is to teach the children to behave correctly for which we must offer the idyllic image of being one who knows everything and who has all the answers. This has as a consequence that the children, instead of wanting to learn to solve their conflicts try to hide them because if the adults around them are perfect, they must be perfect too.

When a teacher sincerely expresses his feelings of unhappiness at a given time when it is difficult for him to handle the discipline of a group and shares this with his students, he can only obtain benefits for all if he does it at the adequate time and in a sincere manner, trusting the sensitivity of the children towards the emotional expressions of those they appreciate. In the same manner, when we share an experience in which it was difficult for us to handle a personal relation and we explain what we did to solve the problem, or when we remember the feeling we had when we were children about the attitude of some adult. All of this can help us connect with the children from the adult image, in a more human and closer manner, so that they can feel identified with us and wish to learn to solve their own difficulties.

Punishment

Punishment must be ruled out as a form of intervention. When we punish the child for an undesirable behavior, we are provoking feelings of shame and guilt that do not contribute to foster behaviors of social cooperation. The child who is punished does not have the possibility of coordinating his points of view with those of the others because there is a short circuit between his behavior and the consequence imposed on him by the adult. For example, if a child is aggressive with another child we can make him see that his behavior affects the sensitivity of his peer and that no one likes to be shouted at. We can show him other ways of saying the same things and how to get what we want using other words or a different tone. If we punish the child sending him out of the class or separating him from the group, the only thing we will achieve is that he feels anger or shame or both and that the next time that he feels tempted to do the same thing he will not do it for fear of the punishment but he will not have learned to consider the point of view of the other children nor to relate his behavior to the consequences it generates

Constance Kamii, in her book “The autonomy of the child” ( Mexico , 1981) talks about the reciprocal sanctions as an answer to the disruptive behaviors of the children. This type of sanction implies minimal coercion and has a logical and natural relation with the act that brought it about. For example, if a child interrupts during story time, we can tell him “if you make noises or interrupt the story, you can not stay here, if you want to stay here, you must not interrupt”, or if the child is breaking the toys, we can tell him: “We will not have any more toys if you break them, so I can not let you use them unless you take care of them. If you do not break them, you can play with them”. This type of sanction besides having a logical relation to the behavior and allowing the child to become aware of the consequences of his actions, offers him alternatives to choose from. On the other hand, the child also learns that his behavior must have a limit marked by the rights of the others.

But the intervention of the teacher does not always have to be active. Many times it is convenient to give the children the opportunity to solve their relation difficulties among themselves, without intervening. This is another form of intervention, that requires an observation of the behavior of the children in the habitual situations of school life so as to know their difficulties and their way of reacting before them, that way we will know when we have to actively intervene and when it is convenient to leave the children to try out their answers until they find the best one to solve their difficulties.

This way of handling conflicts in school is based on the constructivist conception of learning and teaching, which not only encompasses the intellectual dimension but also becomes a theoretical reference that allows us to act from a proposal of participation and construction of the learning by the child, in all aspects of development. It is not about teaching the children specific moral guidelines of behavior that they should apply in any problem situation but, rather, of a systematic practice of reasoning and elaboration that fosters their cognitive and affective development through the exploration of the feelings that go along their thoughts and their actions so that they can assess them to adopt behaviors and attitudes that allow them to satisfactorily solve their interrelation problems without resorting to aggression or violence. To begin with this practice in the early childhood center prepares the children to handle the situations they will face later on, when they are attending elementary and secondary school, where the situations become more difficult to handle.

The physical space: another way of intervening

The design of the school space, especially the classroom, can express more than words the educational concept that guides the pedagogical work. More over, sometimes the verbal statements of pedagogical objectives are contradicted by that other reality that “speaks” clearly of a practice that reflects quite the contrary of what has been said. An educational project that has among its priorities the civic formation of the children must pay special attention to the objectives linked to the development of cooperation, creativity and the gradual achievement of autonomy, of learning values in solidarity, respect and appreciation for themselves and others. The criteria of use of the physical space, the distribution of materials and the groupings invite to specific actions and promote a type of relationships and exchange. The transmission of values, attitudes and behaviors is also done through the organization of the physical and material elements that surround the child.

The child's learning is facilitated not only through the relationships with the adult or with the materials but also through the relationships with the other children. They learn from each other, more than what we could imagine. Therefore, the interactions between them are crucial. A very significant learning generated in the process of reciprocal relationships is decentralization. For example, when a three or four year old child is in contact with another child of the same age, there are usually conflicts of interest, either about the seat next to the teacher, the use of the same toy, or to be the first in the line. In this type of frequent situations, the children are forced to realize that there are “others” and that they have wishes, intentions or interests that they must take into account if they wish to avoid conflicts and remain in the group or act by force and try to have their own wishes prevail. In any case, these conflicting interactions show the child this new reality that he is going to have to face every time and try to solve them on his own or through the intervention of the teacher.

The physical space must contribute to stimulate these interactions, taking into account, for example, the distribution of the children in areas that invite them to interact with each other as well as spaces where they can be on their own or without doing anything specific, to rest, for communication, for quiet talk, a warm integrating space that promotes the communication in a climate of freedom, care and wellbeing. The physical space “talks” and “communicates” in a code that the children perceive indirectly and apparently imperceptibly both for them and the adults, but the effects of that perception are expressed in their way of being, feeling and acting either for good or for bad.

Family and school, a shared action. 

In our educational model it's impossible to conceive the work of the school disconnected from the family where the child receives his earliest education and the most decisive influence in the shaping of his system of beliefs and ethical and moral values. Family and school share a common objective: the education of the children in the amplest sense and the encounter or exchange between both institutions is what allows us to be closer to their true personal situation.

Only in isolated cases do the parents spontaneously approach us, although there are social and cultural factors that influence their way of feeling about the school that determine their relation with it. It is not the same in a school where most of the parents are professionals that value the work done by the school than a less privileged population where parents think of the school as a place where their children are fed and cared for while they are working. Without intending to generalize, that can always lead to mistakes, educators know that the socio economic and cultural status of the families influences on the attitude of collaboration and exchange they maintain with the school.

Oddly enough, the underprivileged families and those that live in a socially economically privileged status have similar attitudes about their scarce participation in school life, even if for different reasons. What is true is that the educator, aware of the importance of having the family support his educational work, is the one who must use all the means within his reach to stimulate the families' interest in taking part in a shared task. It is not enough to provide the child with a warm and stimulating setting in the school if this does not have any projection in the family setting that has more impact in the formative process of the child.

Educators know that parents are the first teachers of the children even if they are not aware of this. There are parents that consider the school as the place where true education is given. This idea comes from many centuries ago and is linked to the function given to the school when it was created, as a space to learn to read and write. The role of the school has been fundamentally linked to the practice of teaching academic subjects or, what is the same, the formation of intellectual thinking. The effects of non formal teaching are relativized and emotional and social education are relegated to a second plane, behind cognitive formation. We have already mentioned this when we talked about the scarce importance given in our educational system to civic education. It is the task of the educator, who should share it with the parents, to revitalize this aspect of education.

The attitude of the teacher towards parents.

The way the teacher places himself in his relation with the parents is determining in the attitude they will take towards the school and in their disposition to collaborate with it. To have clear objectives on what we want to achieve with the collaboration of the parents in the educational tasks will give us the necessary motivation to assume this commitment with determination and enthusiasm.

We know that if we work with the child at school without taking into account what the family can offer, we are working blindly, because we lack the information that the family can give us to know the child better. The attitude we assume in our meetings will lay the foundation for the construction of a relation of respect and mutual trust to be able to work without concerns the situations that require the active and joint collaboration of the family. How do you build this relation? Once more, most of the responsibility is of the educator because we have to propose the guidelines of the relation.

Parents need to be answered on their doubts and questions about their children in a professional manner without leaving aside the human and sensible aspects of communication. They need to have a degree of confidentiality with the teacher to express what really concerns them and they need to feel that the teacher is listening to them with genuine interest. The same way, the teacher must be able to transmit to the parents how important it is to have their support and should be always available to support them when they are worried or anxious and share with them the pleasant situations. He must establish a current of empathy that generates feelings of security and trust that stimulates them to collaborate with the educator in the task of educating their children.

Ways of interacting with parents.

The educator must build through the interrelation with the children and a systematic observation, a fairly adjusted idea of the features of the child and his life situation: the contribution of the parents is fundamental to increase this knowledge, this is why the teacher must work patiently to foster their collaboration and participation in this task. Not all the parents are willing to help and we must use our abilities to convince them of the importance for their children of their participation and joint collaboration with the school.

There are several types of meetings during the school year: sometimes they are spontaneous, others at the request of the parents or the teachers and others as part of a plan prepared by the center or the teachers. We are going to refer to these last ones to offer some orientation that can be of help to hold these meetings in the most efficient manner.

Before the first individual interview the teacher must have the possibility of obtaining some basic information that allows him to understand the reality of the children in his group. These data can be gathered by the Center in the initial contact of the parents with the school, asking them to fill out a Basic Information Sheet and another one on the social and affective characteristics of the children.

Questionnaire to gather basic information.

Date of the first meeting
Name of the child
Name of the father
Name of the mother
Date of birth of the child
Were there complications during birth?
Was the child breastfed?
If yes, for how long?
Does the child sleep well at night?
Have there been any accidents or serious illnesses?
Has the child been in a hospital?
For how long?

Questionnaire on the social and affective behavior of the child

Name and age of the child:

Do you consider your child as

Tranquil

Restless

Very restless

What kind of games does he play when he is alone?

When he is with children of his age, his behavior is predominantly

Aggressive

Harmonic

Submissive

How does he behave with his father?

Lovingly

Indifferently

Aggressively

Very attached

Please comment on any particular feature of the social and affective behavior of your child that you consider important.

General Information on the family

Age of the mother		Age of the father
Religion
Occupation of the mother
Occupation of the father
Do the parents live together?
Who takes care of the child most of the time?
Mother		Another member of the family
Father		Nanny
Grandfather/grandmother		Daycare program
Indicate if more than one person takes care of the child.
Number of children in the family
What place does the child have in the family?
First	Second	Third	Other
Age and sex of the siblings
What are your expectations regarding the education of your child at the Early Childhood Education Center ?
Other comments on the situation of the child and the family.
All this information must be reviewed by the teacher before the first individual interview with the parents. Based on their answers, the educator can anticipate the concerns and basic ideas of the parents regarding the education of their children. On the other hand, he can also place the child in his socioeconomic and family context. This is a very general approximation that must be completed and extended in the interviews.

The interview.

Whenever possible, we must hold the interviews both with the father and the mother at the same time, because that way we will be able to observe the relation between the couple and have an idea of the type of family of the child. For example, if the relationship is symmetric between the father and the mother or if one of them dominates the other. If their relation is cordial or aggressive, if they coincide in their ideas about the personality of their child or if each one has a different vision, if they have a similar commitment towards the education of the child or if this task falls on one of the members of the couple, etc.

Also, during the talk, we can observe the system of beliefs and values in the family, especially if they are from a different culture. This is very important because it is necessary that the children find in their school a receptive and tolerant environment regarding their customs and habits that determine their way of being and relating with others. We should not forget that the school should help the children to maintain, strengthen and enrich their relation with their families because this is the most stable reference point for their development. These individual interviews should take place at least twice during the year regardless of any other meetings that are set up as needed.

The interview is especially useful to talk freely about the child, his interests, habits, particular features, tastes, likes and dislikes, his difficulties, if any, in his interpersonal relations. It is also important that the teacher shares with the parents the information he may have from observing the child in the school activities, his social and affective behavior and any other aspect that could be of interest for the parents. This should not be left to chance, rather, the teacher should plan the interview carefully and well in advance so that he can cover the points that he is interested in and for which he may need the parents' collaboration. Therefore, the teacher should reflect on what each child needs and write it down in the agenda of the interview. He should explain to the parents the aspects that are troublesome in the child using simple terms and observe their reactions.

The teacher should observe if the parents deny the problem, if they get scared, or if they understand and are willing to help the teacher or if they believe it has nothing to do with them and relegate all responsibility to the school. With any of these responses, the teacher should assume an understanding attitude, respect their opinions and beliefs and avoid making judgments or opinions that could hurt the parents., On the contrary, the tasks consists of trying to reach minimal agreements that can grow little by little. It is convenient to point out the positive aspects in the interactions between the parents and their children to motivate them. Another important aspect is to write down at the end of the interview all the aspects that were relevant in a record that allows us to keep the most important information. For sample, the following:

Parent Interview Record •  Date of the interview •  Name of the participants •  Agenda of the meeting •  General impressions on the communication during the meeting •  Some significant comments from the parents General conclusions and agreements reached

 

This serves a dual purpose: to keep handy, for the next meeting, all the necessary material to retake the conversation starting from the elements we have already dealt with and making a brief review of them and the agreements reached at that time and propose new points for the second interview. This makes the parents feel the importance given by the teacher to their relation and their collaboration and, on the other hand, it is valuable material to guide the daily observation of our children.

Parent participation in classroom activities.

There are educational experiences in the Early Childhood Centers where the parents can actively collaborate in the classroom. We can organize their participation according to the number of children in class so that the parents (the mother or the father, depending on their possibilities) can be in the class for a few hours or in the psycho motor development class or during free play activities so that they can participate in different ways in the daily program. In the general meeting with parents, that we will describe below, we can talk about the importance of knowing the way the children behave socially, outside the family life and assess the word done with the children in the school. It is important to remind them of how much time the children spend in the school in comparison with the time they are at home. It is very important that the children build, through their parents, a bridge between their private world and their public life.

Another important aspect is the assessment that the parents can make about the benefits of education at this age and modify the extended concept that considers the Early Childhood Center as a place where children are simply cared for and entertained while their parents are working.

The experience of participation can and must be commented on during the parent meeting to explain the objectives of Early Childhood Education and the way they are going to be worked on through the activities in the center so that they can share with their own children and the rest of the children in the program. We should not forget that many times parents use inadequate ways to educate their children not because lack of will but because they do not have enough information on how to go about it. It is also beneficial if they can observe the behavior of other children and verify that what worries them of the conduct of their own children is not exclusive of them but that it obeys general characteristics of the emotional, social and cognitive development of that age group. Their participation should always be accompanied by information on what is going to happen in the classroom that day and the way they can participate in the activities.

One of the objectives of this experience is that the parents can observe the intervention of the teacher in situations of interpersonal conflicts between the children or between the children and the teacher so that it serves as an example and learning experience because many times they feel disoriented in difficult circumstances that come up in family and social life.

Another way of cooperating in the education of their children at school is the participation in sessions about topics of general interest linked to their professions. Nothing can be more stimulating for the child than to have his mother or father come to class to explain the interesting aspects of his or her work to the rest of the class. Through this experience they can value the importance of the work done by men and women in society and understand that we are all equally necessary. The teacher can guide the parents in the preparation of their talk and offer the means available in the school for the presentation. This benefits the cognitive learning of the children and is an important emotional boost for them as the children will feel proud to have their parents in class at the same time that they can strengthen the link between the family and the school, their private and public worlds.

We can ask parents that after having participated in this experience they share their impressions in writing with the teacher. For example, to make comments on what they liked more, what they discovered or did not know until then, what aspects of the relation between the teacher and the children has caught their attention and what were they able to discover about their own children, etc. And also, of course, to talk about the negative aspects that they may have observed in the development of the activities. This material can be talked about at the parent meeting to enrich the communication among them and share new ideas to put into practice in the classroom work.

Meeting between teacher, child and parents.

This type of meetings where the children are present are not very frequent in the school. However, they can be very beneficial for everyone. The child is used to be excluded from the meetings between his parents and teachers because they are part of the school organization. But, if we asked the children if they would like to be in one of these meetings, in most of the cases they would be happy to be there.

On the same day of the meeting with the parents, after having talked with them on the points we want to cover, we can invite the child to join the meeting to tell him what we have talked about with his parents. Of course, we will have to use simple words and try to have him comment, if he wants to, about the things he likes in the school. Those things that he dislikes, what amuses him the most, what upsets him, etc. The educator can mention the positive aspects of the child, his way of relating with his friends and more outstanding qualities. He can also show his parents some of the work done by him in class. For the child this means a show of respect and consideration that makes him feel valued. These experiences, next to those aimed at making the child have a positive self image develop a sense of personal value and self esteem that are highly beneficial for the shaping of the child's personality and his way of establishing interpersonal relations.

Other forms of participation.

Parents that, for any reason, can not attend these activities can still participate cooperatively in school specifically in the classroom activities. For example, at the time of arrival, some parents can be there to help the children to take off their coats and help them hang them up. They can also assist at the time of departure, helping the children to put on their coats and making sure that they do not forget anything in the classroom.

Another way of actively collaborating is to participate in the activities programmed by the center or the educator to learn about the culture of the different communities of the country and from other countries, considering that the immigrant school population is larger every day. In this sense, we can organize typical or intercultural parties where the parents share information about their places of origin, their traditional customs, their way of dressing, songs, dances, typical food and offer some traditional candies for the children.

Parents and grandparents can participate in activities organized by the educator to show the children the type of games they played when they were children, the songs and stories that their own parents used to tell them, etc. In the general parent meeting the educator can propose this type of activities and have the parents decide in which of them they want to participate. To make things easier the educator can give the children a note as the following with the information their parents and grandparents can share with them.

TOYS What type of toys did you have when you were a child? How did you play with them? Did your parents make any toys for you? Did they teach you how to make one? What was your favorite toy?

GAMES Do you remember any game that you played with the adults? Can you teach a game that you liked when you were a child? What did you play to with other children? Can you prepare a traditional game to play with the children?

STORIES Did your parents tell you any stories? Do you remember one that you especially liked? Could you tell it to the children? Did you have a favorite story character? Why was it your favorite?

 

SONGS What songs did your parents and teachers sing for you when you were a child? Do you remember any lullaby? Can you sing any song for the children? Are these songs still used nowadays?

This type of experiences are highly beneficial for the children because they help them shape a sense of the past, the present and the future and a feeling of belonging to their family group and society.

Training workshops for parents.

What parents think of the children, their “theories” on child development or their ideas about how a child should grow up shape their behavior towards them, affecting the way they act, how they relate and care for them. To obtain a general view of the conceptions parents have of their children, their concepts about their potential and how they assume their role in the education of their children, is essential knowledge to know what “emotional and conceptual space we have when we try to establish positive communication with parents. The type of education and information parents have is not homogeneous and this means that in a group we will have different positions and opinions to share with the rest for the group.

It would be interesting to offer the parents the opportunity to express their interests regarding the topics they would like to talk about in the workshops. For this, we can send a simple message home with various proposals that they can select from, or add to, as needed. We offer an example:

Topics to be dealt with in the workshops for parents. •  Relevant aspects of child development 0-6 years of age •  Guidelines for psychomotor, affective and intellectual development. •  Causes of aggressive behaviors in children and how to deal with them. •  Criteria to decide on the intervention of a specialist in severe behavioral problems. •  How to help the emotional development of the child •  How to help the child deal with his fears •  Child sexuality •  The construction of identity •  Sphincter control. •  How to set adequate limits to the behavior of the child. •  How do we work in the classroom: activities we do, and how they help to develop the potential of the child. •  The role of play in the development of affectivity and intelligence •  How to choose the toys and books according to the age of the children •  Formative value of literature in the emotional development of the child Others

These and other topics that the teacher may consider necessary can be offered as proposals for the workshops, including the topics suggested by the parents. The criteria to choose the topic is to try to supplement and sometimes clarify the information or ideas that parents have regarding child development so that we can coordinate a joint effort between the family and the school.

Many times educators get frustrated when they realize that their classroom efforts have no continuity at the home due to the lack of information of the parents and because their system of beliefs and values if not the same as ours. This is why this exchange of information is valuable for the educator. He can then offer basic information to parents to help them know their child better and know the reality that the child is living at home.

The transition stage: collaboration between the educator and the family.

This topic requires special attention from the center and the classroom teacher. The child that joins our school is in contact, maybe for the first time, with a group other than his family. The absolute dependence during his first years and his marked egocentrism test the child in this difficult experience. Since he does not have the required skills to interact competently in social groups, he frequently finds himself in difficulties, he does not follow the rules, gets easily into fights, follows the lead of the strongest child, overreacts when he is reprimanded, tries to take the toys away from the other children or becomes very attached to the teacher, isolating himself from the group. In sum, a number of behaviors typical of inexperience, of his fear of the unknown, his need to find shelter in what he knows and his tension and anxiety are constant.

The first school experience requires a special treatment from the center and the classroom teacher to contain the child and create the necessary conditions so that he can adapt little by little to this new reality. Here we must insist again on the importance of the collaboration of the parents, since they can help the child to begin to slowly separate from them without having the feeling of being left abandoned.

The first thing that we have to take into account is that the physical and emotional setting provide an adaptive setting. The collaboration of the parents must be preceded by a general meeting with them before the first day of school. At this meeting, the educator must point out the importance of the separation of the child from his parents and the disconcert provoked in them by the incorporation into an unknown physical and human setting. He can even advise them to take the children to visit the center while it is open without activities, to show them the classroom, the toys, the furniture, the playgrounds, the patio, the toilets, the dining hall, etc., while he explains the school routine and answers their questions. This will give them something to talk about at home and the child can begin to build a relation between the family as a reliable and trustworthy element and the school which is what he now has to get to know.

A very important aspect is the impact that the separation from the child has on the parents and, especially on the mothers, and when it is the first time. In this sense, the parents also need some guidance to help them be aware that the possibility of a good adaptation of their children to this new situation largely depends on the attitude that they take. The child has been living in a relation that is not very open to the outside world and this has created a very special link of mutual dependence between him and his parents. The feeling of attachment is not only from the child towards his parents but from them, specially the mother, towards the child, as she has dedicated most of her time to the attention and care of the child. The most frequent thing is that she feels that nobody else can care for her child the way she does which is true. But this is why we have to understand and assume that the child needs to begin discovering that he is not “everything” for his mother, that his place in the family is relative because the mother loves the father and his siblings, her work, her friends, etc., also the mother must assume the separation from her son as the only possibility to start on the road towards autonomy, through a process of construction of other relations that will help him to assume himself as an independent person with his own world.

The awareness of the mother on this aspect of her relation with her children will not only depend on objective knowledge of the topic as there will always be unconscious elements that operate on the way of feeling and acting that the child receives and register in his own unconscious. For example, a mother can verbally state her intention of having her child become independent from her, talking with the child and expressing through words a wish that is contradicted with the attitude she assumes in her subjective relation with the child. Surely, what the child receives and internalizes are not her words, but the strength of her wish that is shown in each gesture, in her contained anguish, in her unconscious fears, in her looks, in everything that is expressed through non verbal language.

This development is built on partial losses and it is going to be possible as the child can start to substitute these losses with other affective elements and activities. This development is, in the end, a process of substitutions, shifting and progressive identifications. If this is not understood so, there is the risk that the child gets trapped in the paternal relation and does not want to grow, because growth represents for them child the loss of the object of love that he has felt in the first years of his life. As educators, we have to take this into account to approach the adaptation to school from a global perspective that eases the entry of the child into our center.

The emotional training of the parents plays a very important role, as we have already mentioned, and this topic is fundamental for that training. A bad handling by the parents of this aspect of their paternal relation can lead to very important personality problems in the future life of their children with different symptoms in their interpersonal relations. We should not see the emotional education of parents as one of our responsibilities but we should be aware of the importance of holding meetings with them to cover these aspects of child development and to be able to rely on their collaboration in the tasks that we follow with their children.

A possible way of organization

The most convenient thing is that the children enter our school on different dates to allow the parents or other close relatives to be with them for short periods of time, so that they are not in the school for the full day from the start. They can start in small groups, of 6 or 8 children and their stay can become longer as they begin to feel more comfortable in the center. In a prior meeting with parents we can tell them how they can help in the classroom, with activities such as labeling the objects of the class, place nametags on the coat hooks, share a play period with them, help pick up materials, do monitor duties in the playground, etc. It is also important to include the parents in the daily assembly when the teacher can introduce the new children and their parents to the rest of the class and discuss with the group the activities for the day. They should also be included in the closing assembly so that parents and children can share their impressions and emotions for that day.

The first activity of the children is the welcome. This is a very important moment for them because their initial perception will depend on the way they are received by the teacher. The educator should not feel that he has to immediately empathize with each child or that he must establish an intense affective relation or show an excessive charming attitude trying to establish close links. The best thing is to ask the child his name and allow him to explore the class and provide him with some references that make him feel relaxed.

During the assembly, from the first day, the teacher can pin nametags on the children so that at the end of the day they can take them off and place them on a bulletin board next to their pictures.

This is the ideal time for the teacher to introduce himself in a special way. He can have a special scrapbook to share with the children. We should not forget the importance of establishing communication with the children and their families in a human dimension. In this scrapbook, he can have a photo with his name, the place of birth and his birth date. In the rest of the pages he can have photos of his family, his hobbies, things he likes to eat and some photos when he was a child. There can also be some photos of the last year's class that show the pleasant side of school life. The last page can have a poem or a paragraph expressing why he enjoys school life. This book can be laminated so that it can be handled by the children and that they can take it home to share with their families.

A very positive activity for the first days of school, although it can be done at any time that we think it is appropriate, is to have each child bring something from home (the transitional object that Winnicott talked about) and ask them to share it with the rest of the class during the assembly. They can tell who gave it to them, how, when, what is its name, if they sleep with it, if they feed it, what does it like and dislike, why he loves it, if his siblings have other similar objects, etc.

The general activities of the day must fulfill the function of having the child slowly feel that the place is his own, participating with his ideas and decisions in the group. For example, we can ask the children where to place some materials or what color do they want for their names or what area of the room should we work in. We can use the instances where there are some conflicts of interest to begin building norms of coexistence and cooperation that can be written or drawn to place them in the area where we hold our assembly.

The first days, the toys should be highly visible to stimulate the children to play, explore and enjoy. It is important to prepare a pet, or an elf or some attractive figure that will give an identity to the group, introduce routines, activities and the story telling activities. The group activities are very important especially in the adaptation period because they generate a feeling of belonging that gives the children identity, trust and security. For example, we can play mimic games, mirror games, surprise bags, songs, dances and motor games that foster communication and body contact.

The presence in the classroom of children from other nationalities that can not express themselves or understand Spanish must be dealt with special attention. The most important thing in these cases is to create a welcoming setting where they feel comfortable and accepted despite their limitations because in this case, we are dealing with a dual separation. On one hand, from their culture, which implies different rules, values, customs, food, etc. and on the other, of their language, that goes along with the separation from their mother. This why it is very important to begin well their process of integration, stimulating their participation through family photos that portray their cultural and affective universe and that they can share by showing them to the other children.

The intervention of the teacher is fundamental, helping the child to express himself anyway he can, through mimic, gestures, etc., and orally completing his interventions so that the child perceives that he has been able to communicate. In sum, make the period of adaptation a significant experience for the child, which does not mean avoiding his conflicts and difficulties, which would be impossible, but creating the conditions to handle and solve them conveniently, so that they are able to keep facing, with the teachers mediation, the challenges they will meet during their development.